BRAND EXECUTIVE 1

“Despite the uncertainty of these times, things are looking great. We like just about everybody will take a little bit of a hit this quarter. In the long run however, the pandemic works well for us.”

BRAND EXECUTIVE 2

“How can you be sure?”

BRAND EXECUTIVE 1

Devotion! This goes beyond brand loyalty, this is Intense devotion.

BRAND EXECUTIVE 3

How do you figure?

BRAND EXECUTIVE 1

Well, if you take a look at sales, and at the social media analytics you will see that people miss us. Miss us desperately.

BRAND EXECUTIVE 2

That doesn’t mean they’re buying our products… we’re still down in sales.

BRAND EXECUTIVE 1

Ah but they are buying our products. Not only are they buying our products, but they’re sacrificing their health and very likely the lives of their more elderly relatives and loved ones to buy us. Can you imagine? People are essentially saying, ‘Gramma, you’re old and that’s a real shame, but I got to get my brand! Now more than ever Gramma! I can’t go out and get all the usual goods, but I can order a couple of things and I need my brand to keep me sane in the meantime. Gramma you’ve had a nice full life, and I don’t like the idea that you’re holding me back from enjoying the full experience of brand.’

BRAND EXECUTIVE 2

People are really saying those things to their elders?

BRAND EXECUTIVE 1

You bet they are. Not only that, but hell, they’re out there in the streets protesting to have the right to sacrifice their poor sweet grandmother or great uncle or whatever geriatric to go and buy our brand! You’ve watched the news, they’ve got signs, they’ve got guns, they’re screaming, ‘You can’t take away our right to kill our gramma and old uncles! We’ve got a right to throw them under which ever bus we prefer, we’re family, kin! And we know whats best obviously! We will collectively be damned, if we let you left-wing, health-crazed, yoga-matters will bar us from throwing our old, good for nothing grand uncle Samuel under the proverbial bus for a steady supply of the brands we’ve come to depend upon!’

BRAND EXECUTIVE 2

That’s really they kind of things they’re saying? Well that makes me a bit uncomfortable if I’m honest.

BRAND EXECUTIVE 3

It also makes me a little uncomfortable.

BRAND EXECUTIVE 2

Is there protocol for our customers killing off their old aunties and uncles and grand pops and grammas for a piece of our admittedly sweet brand?

BRAND EXECUTIVE 1

Protocol? No. Of course not. We’re not going to refer to it whatsoever. Our brand politics are clear, we support the heroes who are going to work in our factories everyday. We support the healthcare workers. You know who else we support, customers, we’re at the ready, providing them the admittedly quite anxiety-relieving brand we provide to anybody regardless of race, politik, color, or sexual orientation or whatever. You folks here today are the heroes, because you’re keeping this brand a moving. That’s our responsibility to those insanely devoted people out there!

BRAND EXECUTIVE 2

That is true, we do have to do our part.

BRAND EXECUTIVE 3

I suppose you’re right, it’d be wrong not to keep the consumer happy, right?

BRAND EXECUTIVE 1

Of course its right. It’s business, who else is going to handle this clusterfuck? And future clusterfucks like this? Not all clustfucks, but the ones that may potentially afflict our paying customers, and I mean the paying customers who go in for the premium subscriptions because thats where the profits are coming from obviously, all those standard package people could stand to learn a little bit about devotion from those yahoos, shrieking outside the malls, and state houses.

BRAND EXECUTIVE 2

Yes they certainly could.

BRAND EXECUTIVE 3

How could we get more devotion like that?

BRAND EXECUTIVE 1

Remember that part about how in the long run, this pandemic is a real boon for our brand?

BRAND EXECUTIVE 2

Oh yes, you did say that, tell us?

BRAND EXECUTIVE 3

How could it be?

BRAND EXECUTIVE 3

Yes, well in all this ultimately quite beneficial madness and death, may we never see the likes of it again unless it could benefit this brand in being more attentive to our suffering customers, we’ve managed to streamline our digital services with all the research we’ve acquired from this pandemic. We have whole big giant servers full of pandemic-stricken-user-data. An almost literal gold mine of user-data, stored in our big old server factory that has been chugging along happily these past months. Thank god server farms don’t have immune systems am I right? Anyways, with all this great data we’ve been able to pile up, we’ve managed to streamline our pandemic-product-to-victim-interfaces. We now have rich digital software in the works that will be able to feed our brand right to the customer in their little quarantine boxes. I know what you’re thinking, ‘well what do we do with that when the pandemic ends, (oh please let it end)? Do we release another deadly virus to be spread around the world by our devotees who just refuse to lock themselves in if it means missing out on our very-necessary brand??’ No, of course not. We would not sink to such levels and we don’t have too because our pandemic-product-to-customer-interface (name pending!) will work just as effectively in times of relatively good public health (oh let it come soon!). Ideally, people won’t even have to leave their home during or after this pandemic with this fancy new data we got. Geez, I love those wizards in the analytics dept. If you think about it, we will be doing a service to public health by keeping people inside at all times. We might want to think about an ad campaign there, but I don’t want to jump the gun, even though jumping the proverbial gun is pretty much merited for such an ingenious brand campaign.

BRAND EXECUTIVE 2

This could change our whole business model, we may have to even reassess our subscription packages, add more options for the intensely devoted!

BRAND EXECUTIVE 3

No doubt we could streamline this for our brand overseas too, what a wonderful opportunity this pandemic has panned out to be!

BRAND EXECUTIVE 1

Bite your tongue!

BRAND EXECUTIVE 3

How’s that?

BRAND EXECUTIVE 1

This is a tragedy, no other way to say it. Does this particular, but certainly not desired, context provide for us brand executives with an opportunity to more surgically target our brand towards our customers who are scared out of their wits and just want some comfort and to be told its all going to be ok? Yes but that is the commitment me make everyday, when those poor freaked out people buy or subscribe to our brand that, speaking of intensely devoted, is intensely devoted to giving our customer a steady stream of products! We could never wish a tragedy like this to befall our great civilization, but we would be negligent of our duty if we didn’t react to it by making the best damn brand innovations that this company has ever seen!